When gratitude feels like a stretch

Are you serious about that?

There has been a lot written about the positive effects of practicing gratitude and how it can literally change your brain (neuroplasticity) and help you overcome the human brain's natural negativity bias. Research shows an overwhelming connection between gratitude and good health and gratitude induces positive emotions that impact our well-being. I'm fully on board with this concept and I consider myself a grateful person. I have no problem coming up with long lists of things I'm grateful for.

…the way the light hits the majestic tree in our backyard as the sun sets

…the perfect nectarine

…a hug from my kids

…a weekly coffee date with dear friends

…a beautiful work of art

…that first night in October when it truly smells like Fall

…cozy sweatpants

That is all so easy! But what about gratitude for things that suck or obnoxious people or challenging situations?

A couple years ago, my sister gave me Pema Chödrön's Compassion Cards - a deck of inspirational messages. I recently set the card "Be grateful to everyone" on display on my dresser. I like this card. The message is deceptively simple, yet it doesn't always feel easy to do.

How can you stay in your own authentic integrity and feel grateful for everyone and everything?

When I'm having a tough day or feel especially challenged by someone in my life, I turn to this message to help me flip the switch on gratitude. Being grateful for everyone or everything is a way of saying that we can learn and grow from every situation, especially if we practice this with awareness. I start by asking myself a few questions.

— What is this person or situation showing me or helping me learn?

— How can I draw from this experience to help me down the road?

For example, there was a parent at my children's elementary school who I volunteered with that I found really challenging. I thought she was rude, overbearing and not a lot of fun to be around. What's to be grateful for?

— She is providing me an opportunity to practice patience and compassion

— She is giving me a chance to practice holding my own and not getting overrun by someone just because they're louder and pushier

— She is strengthening my own desire to treat people with care

— She is also serving as a mirror - reminding me that I have also treated people in my life (especially those that I love) with rudeness and disrespect and that I can make peace with them and myself

Am I always able to embrace this approach and take the gratitude "high road?" Uh, definitely not. However, it's helpful to remind myself that I get to decide how I define gratitude and make choices about being grateful for things that may look pretty lousy from the outside. It feels empowering.

Of course, not all of life's challenges feel equally hard. You can start by practicing gratitude with smaller, everyday situations (like gratitude for the obnoxious guy in line at the grocery or for messing up a new dinner recipe). Or you may want to take a look at something tougher and reframe it in the light of gratitude.

What challenging situation or person are you grateful for? How has it helped you grow and evolve?